It's Good To Have A Man Around: Installing a Bathroom Vanity Light

Someone made some, well, questionable choices when outfitting my little bathroom. There is the full-size window in the shower, which looks out on the backyard. There is the hardwood floor. There is the flat yellow paint on the walls. And finally, there is this monstrous light fixture. It goes with nothing else in the bathroom, not the brushed nickel faucets, or the oiled bronze vanity knobs or the stainless steel shower fixtures, or the gold-toned doorknob, or the glass closet doorknob, or the brushed nickel robe hook.

This picture gives you a better idea of the unsuitable color and ornateness (that's a word now) of this fixture for my bathroom.

Aside from the light fixture, each individual fixture varies from functional to quite nice. The light, though. The light had to go.

I shopped around online and picked an assortment of three-light vanity fixtures, varying from curvy, modern metal to traditional straight bars with classic bell-shaped glass shades. I even looked at LED bathroom fixtures, but decided I didn't want to spend an extra $30 for LED when the one available at Lowe's put out less light than a traditional fixture and it would take me (according to Kevin's calculation) something like 28 years to realize the electricity savings.

In the end I settled on this fixture, which was in stock at Lowe's. It got the thumbs-up from both my sister-in-law and my friend, both of whom have impeccable taste. Plus it was only $69, a bargain compared to some of the other fixtures I looked at. Plus it didn't have that generic, contractor's-special look and feel that I got so sick of in all my years in apartments. 

I picked it up in the morning of my painting day because I wanted to make sure I had a new fixture to install before I took down the old one and started painting. I thought it would probably be smarter to uninstall the light when someone else was here to help me find the right circuit breaker and perform CPR if I electrocuted myself. But...then I got impatient and really wanted a pink bathroom, so I decided to wing it. 

It took me, no joke, 15 trips up and down the basement stairs to figure out which circuit breaker to turn off to kill the bathroom lights. Spoiler alert: It's wired to the same circuit as the kitchen light and the boiler. Go figure. Geniuses wired my house, without a doubt. Who needs a gym membership? I AM the Stairmaster!!

Taking the light down was no problem. I unscrewed the two philips-head screws and two nuts that held the fixture to the wall and to the outlet box, and unscrewed the wire connectors connecting the wires: black to black, white to white, uncoated to ground. 

I painted the bathroom and was all set to wait until Saturday morning to put the new light up because I was exhausted, sore, and sweaty AGAIN after my 5:00 PM shower. Except, guess what else runs off that circuit, the one that was still off because of the dangly wires in the bathroom? Did I hear you say bedroom air conditioner? Because you are right!! You win the bucket of sweat I produced while trying to install the new light so I could put on the air conditioning and collapse in a sleepy heap!

Luckily, Kevin was there by then, both to calm me down and to save me from myself by spotting me on the stepstool and handing me things. It was all going swimmingly until I looked up at the wall and saw this:

Count them with me: one (white), two (black) three (copper - ground).

Then I looked down at the new fixture and saw this:

Apparently this is the only picture I took of the new fixture in my exhausted rage, but there are three white wires, three black wires and one ground wire. That is not the math I counted on.

I said this: FUCK. I know just enough about electrical wiring to know that 1) it can be dangerous, 2) I am not qualified to do anything beyond the most basic-est of basics and 3) wires are supposed to connect to other wires that are the same color, and that's what makes it all go.

I had extra wires. There was nothing in the installation instructions indicating that there would be that many wires. Luckily, Kevin is a calm and smart person, so we retired to our laptops and while I looked for additional information about this light in particular, he branched out and confirmed his theory that we could just group the white wires from the fixture together and connect all three to the white wire from the outlet, and then do the same with the black wires. He was very proud to be the one to find the answer, in the most unlikely of places. I quote, "I can't believe my favorite gaming message board has the answer you need." 

(I can't help it, I love a geek. Anyone looking to form a support group? Anyone? Bueller?)

Anyway, we were a little unsure if all four white wires would fit into the same wire connector, but they did! And so far my house hasn't burned down. Not even a little bit!

While I ran around the house looking for three matching light bulbs, because I thought it would be a classy upgrade to my new fixture, Kevin attached - er, tried to attach - the glass shades. First, as he tried to wedge his big paws inside the glass globe to attach the ring that holds it in place, he complained, "This fixture was made for ladies with lady hands. It's a lady fixture."

Then I remembered, the fixture came with a weird little tool to reach in and screw those rings into place. I handed it over, and he said, "It looks like a personal massager you find at the back of the Sears catalog." Reservations aside, it worked.

Well, in the sense that we assembled it. Because there was a problem. See it?

Nope, it's not the angle. The shades definitely prevent the medicine cabinet from opening. Kevin's suggestions, "You could just take the door off the medicine cabinet," and "What if we just take the glass shades off?" were not well received. 

I ended up getting back up on my trusty step stool, unscrewing the fixture and hanging it upside down. It's totally a legitimate way to hang it, according to the instruction book. I even saw a fixture that I really liked that was hung like this, somewhere online, but let it go when I found that affordable one at Lowe's. 

It works fine, and the bonus is it distributes light much better with the bulbs pointing up. The light reflects off the ceiling and gives the whole room a soft, warm glow. It even lights the shower better, which means I may be able to shave my legs at night for the first time since I moved here! You're going to have to take my word for how great the quality of the light is, because I couldn't find the battery charger for my real camera, for like, weeks, and my cell phone doesn't deal so well with taking pictures of light bulbs.

Anyway, my bathroom is (about half) finished (for now) and I'm really happy with how it came out. 

Now I just need to hire a psychic or something to tell me what the rest of the circuit breakers in my house do. Anyone else dealing with wiring installed by drunks or small children? Advice?